They heard you; they’re judging you.

You had loud sex last night (congrats, babe!!!); but now you must face reality – everyone in your building heard. Yes, even the cute guy on the second floor you have a crush on. Yes, even the cute old lady who bakes you cookies sometimes and likes to pretend you’re the grandchild she never had herself. Even your roommate’s cat heard (it wants an apology in the form of a Fancy Feast, by the way).

You may be wondering how to proceed now that everyone in your immediate area knows you participate in and enjoy a very natural, human activity…


“On Tap” now has a new meaning.

By Stav

Local woman Stacey D., 31, is having a lucrative problem: after failing to treat her yeast infection for two years, she now pees beer.

“So, it’s definitely alcoholic — I have conducted a private tasting occasionally for quality control. It seems that the kind of beer I brew depends on my liquid intake,” says Stacey, who explains that while the default pee is much like Coors Light, she can make it taste like Stella Artois if she “really commits.”

Rather than finally visiting her gynecologist, Stacey plans to make “lemonade” from…


photo credits: neopets (Please do not sue me neopets this is a joke)


by Stav @your__crush__

In need of dick ASAP, but don’t want half-baked dating-app-dick or outright rotten-ex-dick? Tired of throwing unimpressive catches you’ve hooked back into the sea? Not to fear, there are plenty of fish with dicks in the dating pool, and these are the best (fish)nets to scoop ’em up in.

Hot Topic Plaid Fishnet Tights ($12.90): Achieve a classic goth look with classic goth dick to follow suit. These plaid fishnet tights will go perfectly with your favorite black lipstick and his Naruto headband! …


By Stav

@your__crush__

Sources say Stav shouldn’t have messed with nature like this!

Three minutes ago, Ohio woman Stav, 25, shoved an earring into the semi-closed piercing in her ear as if that wouldn’t have devastating consequences to society, civilization, and the universe as we now it. Now, there’s a giant black hole rapidly expanding out of her ear and it’s going to continue expanding until it swallows the entire galaxy. Stav, what the fuck!

“I had no idea this would happen. I have a date tomorrow and I really wanted to wear some earrings for it, even though my…


For Mom

“How is Sampson?” asks your adult daughter who should be applying for jobs. “Can I have a photo of him?” So, you send a photo of Sampson doing the same things he does in every picture: sleeping, meowing, and being old.

“Does he miss me?” your adult daughter asks again for the third time this week. Sampson does not miss her, sources say. At the time of interview, in fact, Sampson was asleep.

Now that Sampson is very dead, the nonsense still doesn’t stop: Stavroula finds cats just like, where she lives (there are a lot), and will…


For Nathan

“Can you hold this?” Your brother wants to know again. “Please.”

Nathan has to do something important (carry another item for what he thinks is a short amount of time), and you clearly don’t, so you should hold this for him please. No, he cannot “set the item down on a table” or “ask someone else to do it this time.” Just do it for him.

Other family members also think you should just hold the item. “Look, he’s just going to ask you to hold another item again soon anyways,” says you and your brother’s mom. …


photo credit: Trina

Gift to You (Yes, I am using this to bully you into reading more of my work) From Stav

“Please can you look at this? :(,” your annoying friend Stavroula asks about a shitty comedy piece she wrote 15 minutes ago. She really wants feedback, *right now.* “It will be funny, I swear!”*

“Sure,” You say, with no idea as to how much stupid stuff you’re about to be hit with at this point in time. (Or maybe you do, if this is like the third time or more you’ve agreed to this shit? What are you doing)

“Why would…


30 dollar tights he will rip off and destroy even though they will rip on their own anyways the second time you wear them

By Stav

@your__crush__

We love lingerie, a kind of clothing a very select portion of the population will likely ever see you wear! Good thing this very select portion of the population that gets to see your lingerie absolutely doesn’t deserve it!

In any case, if you’re looking for the next look that will wow the complete asswipe you shouldn’t be fucking but are, look no further than this carefully constructed list of lingerie looks he doesn’t deserve!

Victoria’s Secret V-String Panty: This deluxe V-String Panty ($29.99 USD even though you’ll still see the outlines of these panties stick out…

Stav

do not tell my mom about this page

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